Allies are needed and are beyond important! BUT there are times, places, and spaces that are just as important to keep in mind. You may have seen my post about being an LGBTQ+ Ally before with a few tips and things to keep in mind. With Pride Month and even Pride Week in San Diego all wrapped up, it gave me time to reflect, lots of discussions and actions seen and it compelled me to share.

I had seen a TikTok from an LGBTQ+ Community Member talking about the fact that Stonewall Inn was filled with people,…and so many straight, ally(?) people. So many people that community members weren’t able to get in themselves. Some of course doing it just for the content and to get the clout. I wasn’t there, and really I hope that wasn’t the case. Or hopefully at least not the case for all of them, but it definitely makes it harder for the community to believe the straights aren’t just using the community. It’s just like any other historical marker, it’s important to be aware. This isn’t here just so you can “do it for the ‘gram.” This is where PRIDE started! And it’s important for the community to take in these markers.

Please be aware of the spaces you are occupying. Be a real ally.

Sadly events like these don’t feel far from being profited off of. Be aware of also the why’s. Why are you there? Are you trying to learn, understand? Are you allowing space for community members to experience their history first hand? Or are you just there for the picture and to party?

Another discussion that came up a few times this Pride was that of the Ally Flag. Though I hate to bring this one up, did you know there is some debate even about the Ally Flag? Though personally, I love the design, my kiddo loves that design. There really is some debate. The big question is should an ally flag even exist?

I personally feel it is it’s more appropriate for groups, like PFlag to have that flag as a marker than the communities’ flag. I even saw it this past weekend, it made for an easy signal among all the other booths at Family Pride which booth was what. Though, I can understand it from a parent’s point of view, like you want to show support and mark your house as a safe space for other kids still nervous about living out.

The other side of the coin flip is that I have heard plenty from friends in the community, “why not just use the Rainbow Pride Flag then?” My partner also had that view. The thought was, “…are you afraid to be identified as LGBTQ+?” My counter thought was possibly the ally just doesn’t want to step on the toes of the community? Or even feel like they are stealing attention away from the community and are trying to avoid that? At least that’s my hope in logic.

I’ll be honest even though I’m Pan, I definitely have moments that I feel like I’m taking away from the community. I’m sure many other bi people can identify with this. We also just don’t look “gay enough” and maybe the community forgets and just labels us as an ally that’s overstepping? Just know you are still valid! Actually, I was pretty proud of the San Diego LGBTQ+ Community for making a point to share and address this. Living and presenting as a heteronormative relationship definitely makes it hard…almost like imposter syndrome.

On the flip side of things, I do hope the community also remembers to make space for allies. Sometimes, allies are just testing the waters before coming out. Sometimes, they just don’t feel safe to be out themselves so they use it as a protection layer. Or in my case, just thinking they were open-minded, but just didn’t realize they’re actually is a term for them and they do in fact belong. (*Yes, I had been with a same-sex individual and still thought of myself as straight, life is funny, no judgment.)

But a real issue I have been seeing far too much is that of Allies and the Trans Community. I see frequent posts with stories of cis people telling transgender people that they are incorrect. Or cis getting mad at trans community members because they think they are entitled to consent help in education. Seek out your own education, stop making it other people’s jobs to educate you. Oddly, I’ve seen a lot of this echoed similarly with the BLM Movement, in the situation of the white population telling black activists about the black journey or expecting exhausted BIPOC friends to educate their white “friends”. It’s a mess!

This shouldn’t be happening! Being an ally means listening. Their stories, their life, their journey is valid. Cis people aren’t the ones on this journey. If you consider yourself a trans ally/advocate, turn to a transgender member ask their opinion or do your homework. Ask kindly, but know you aren’t entitled to answers and there are definitely answers not at all allowed to be asked. If a Trans member is sharing their story or information, listen to them. Their opinion about trans is what is right and correct. Your cis opinion doesn’t matter. The same applies to the white experience compared to the BIPOC.

I hear time and time again, what is the number one thing an ally can do/should do to help, and it’s always LISTEN. Honestly, this one request applies to so much. Really, if you take anything away from this whole discussion it all comes down to this, as an ally you are not the center of the discussions, the movements. Make sure you are keeping LGBTQ+ Community and their opinions center.

Anything else you can think allies need to know? Feel free to vent/rant/share. Let’s keep pushing for better!