Hi There! Before we deep dive into this talk. In all honesty, I try to be a “Sex-Positive Parent” and even this one caught me slightly off guard. Even I wasn’t as prepared as I thought. And, I totally understand this will be an uncomfortable conversation.

Masturbation can be an uncomfortable conversation even between most adults, let alone between a parent and a teen, but this is exactly why I am sharing. It is okay, to get uncomfortable. I know I was and this whole train of thought even had me question if I was truly a “sex-positive parent?” “Do I know how to help here?” “What do I do next???”

It’s hard to step forward and not fall back into old ways of thinking, maybe of religious or old puritan ways as most of us have been raised. As I write this whole thing, I’m also questioning, “What will this/that person think?” Though that question is definitely more specific with me choosing to write about it, which I like I must to help other parents and teens out there. I am also doing this with the teen’s blessing.

I just hope this article is able to help you have healthy conversations with your teens as well.

Oh and just in case you have never heard the term “Sex-Positive Parenting” before:

Sex positive parenting is teaching — in age and developmentally appropriate ways – that learning about bodies, relationships, and , eventually, sexuality is a natural, normal, and healthy part of childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.

Action Canada SHR

“Sex Positive Parenting” is not about shaming the child, endangering practices like grooming, or discussions in a non-age-appropriate manner. If anything having these conversations make the child safer, knowing boundaries, what feels right and wrong, and confidence in speaking with scientifically accurate body labels.

But let’s get into this! “Awkward Conversation Time”

What I realized when having a way too important conversation with my teen after having a person in a child protection position gave them a pamphlet stating that they are of age and they can make sexual health and reproductive decisions themself, emphasis “…without mom.” Not only is it hitting me that they aren’t just “my baby” anymore, but they are also growing into adulthood. Entitled to health, and legal decisions without me. (Which never seemed to be a real thought before, as we’ve been always on the same page, even when it comes to vaccines.) But, it was like slow-mo of them discussing relationships and receiving a pamphlet of all their resources and rights. Here I am suddenly realizing we were missing some big discussions. Yes, they are getting the sex talk, but what about the “before sex” conversations?

Okay, let’s be honest, do I want to even mentally think my angel is at this stage? No, hell no! But am I realistic and committed to being open and honest, with age-appropriate conversations? Yes, that is my job as their parent and protector. Would I rather them learn scientific truths of things instead of whatever randomness middle school / high school friends say? OMG, Yes!

Actually, I’m not upset by all that talk, but what I’m realizing is that there is far more knowledge and emphasis on “sex” instead of the idea of solo acts, or “self-pleasure.” Shouldn’t they have this talk or access to these kinds of things first?

So here I am at a different kind of crossroads. It’s like “pre” birds and the bees? Or instead of going for the birds in the bees, letting the bird be a happy bird by itself? Oh gawd, analogies are so much worse! But you get the picture.

I’m researching what I think are safer practices and all these articles are suggesting teens make use of items in the house or an article titled “DIY Sex Toy” like wtf? No! If my teen is old enough to have access to sex and reproductive items, why not safe items for solo time? Why aren’t they being taught this instead of just a basic sex talk? We all know that stats on abstinence learning and we’ve all heard stories of teens learning from porn, so let’s just avoid all this and have these damn awkward conversations! …And can someone explain to me why “masturbation” conversations feel sooooo much worse than “the sex talk”?

Why is it so hard to figure out what kind of “toy/object” is safe for beginners?

At this point in gonna admit, I’m a mess and I don’t know all the answers. Also, I’m just thinking how so much easier it is for external plumbing to do the deed safely along with clean up and how we have to have more talks for those with a vulva.

What is really the safest option at this point beyond the hand? And even that! Hygiene is such an important part of this discussion, like why trimmed and clean nails are so important. Did any of your parents ever discuss the correlation between nail hygiene and sexual health? Cause sure as hell I can tell you this was not a subject in my home.

Oh, and btw, Google is also really no help! Though there was one better article by Teen Vogue that I was kind of happy to find. Later, I did notice their site did also have a good breakdown for different parts, not genders. “Those with a penis” “those with a vagina,” so at least there is that. I am also thankful there is a good chapter of sex talk in the Queer book. So there is kind of some knowledge out there. But, once again this isn’t easy to find or access proper equipment, but at least it’s something.

Seriously I feel bad for all those teens on their own trying to Google and end up at lawrd knows where because I damn well know I’m sadly more of a minority in this parenting world, plus I know I would have rather died before having these kinds of conversations with my parents.

Also, I’m trying to avoid being like the parents of “Cock Blocker” …mentally picturing John Cena’s dad character finding what he thinks is his daughter’s vibrator. I really really just want to avoid all that extra trauma.

Please Lord let me be a good mom…

My brain is snowballing, still racked and trying to figure this all out. Even more determined and horrified with the thoughts of my google searching “How to use items in the house as a sex toy…” Oh heck nawh! How is that really a top suggested article? No, no, no! My teen is going to be safe. No mystery objects and potential infections and germs!

...Like, are the tiny little bullet vibrators a good beginner option? But then, all I could think is all the ways that could go wrong. Because do they know what they’re doing? Mom-mode, “nothing insertable,” that seems risky. Also, would they know toy maintenance, proper toy cleaners (silicone safe cleaners, water-based, those kinds of things)? What items are safe in the water for discreet shower/bath time?

I am just at a loss, what’s safe? How do I provide safety, and also not want it to be too much? Being sex-positive, means I’m just not trying to shame. I’m not trying to cause a different kind of trauma. I wish there was like a go-to. Like those beginner boxes for periods, we used to get (which btw, I couldn’t even find that and had to make one for when that inevitable day came). It’s a mess out there, no wonder why teens don’t know what to do. I am an experienced adult and I’m not even sure what is the proper path to take.

I’m now realizing how much more sexual health safety things really need to be distributed and accessible. Condoms are great and all but don’t cover it. Dental dams would be good. As well, as stated above, proper cleaning supplies! Maybe, even in some cases lube? (Thinking of the young gay male experience as well.)

Teens need access to proper sexual health safety and education.

Why can’t we get some proper self-sex talk and items, before we jump to partner sex and reproduction!? Can we talk about safety and access, please?

What are your thoughts?

How are you handling these conversations? Thoughts on sex-positive parenting? Questions? Advice?