I am sure you are no stranger to all those posts and memes with a quote to the effect of “If They Wanted To, They Would”. I think it was starting to really gain traction about Fall 2022. It’s even trending on some streams of TikTok. The meaning behind it is something to the effect of other parties to meet the poster’s expectations. Relationships of all types, romantic as well as friendships, if “they” wanted to meet your expectations, “they would.” All fine and great on the surface, but, let me tell you there are a lot of flaws in that way of thinking…on all sides of it.
It’s clear the intention is to place the blame away from one’s self. Recognize one person meeting expectations where another person was “failing,” but let’s be real, is that fair?
Brief history, this statement was originally more for dating relationships. Originally, “If He Could, He Would.” And ya, it was just as bad in that train of thought, even if intended to realize “he” wasn’t worth “her” value. I have actually seen a lot of articles saying how that could be damaging to relationships. It’s not an I know my self-worth statement, but a where “he is failing me”.
Eventually, the statement gets an update, “If they wanted to, they would”. Even with this statement being reframed in a larger audience it still doesn’t pass the vibe check. It still doesn’t allow for space in other friendship/relationship dynamics. It still sets people up for failure and disappointment.
This is a statement in absolutes.
Think about it! Statements like these do not even account for those with disabilities (mental/physical). Sometimes those just can’t, no matter how much or how hard they want to. (Plus, we’re still in a hard spot with covid and all.) Also, there are those in other certain life positions. You know those moms/parents that are without sitters. Or possibly for that first/only friend with kids. Those also battling financial issues, because let’s be honest, nothing financially is easy these days. Hello, gas prices? Speaking from my own experience. I have been the party stuck in more than one of these categories a lot of times and you know what? It sucks! It really sucks being that friend that wholeheartedly wishes they could, but absolutely couldn’t.
And for the coin flip, it sucks seeing those that share these memes. Internal dialogues start running, thinking, and knowing that you have been trying to see them for say months! Because if you are that anxious friend and you are seeing this meme it can seriously make you stop and question. “Does that mean they don’t actually want to see me?” I know I definitely had questioned it at times. Though I can pretty much guarantee you nor I were the reason for that post. Or at least, especially not in that way. But let’s just say it really does hit you in the chest, whether or not it should.
People tend to post from an internal point of view. Just thinking in this case “I know my worth” and “I know someone would meet my needs.” Because social media is such a large and diverse audience rarely can the poster take into account all the ways a post can be interpreted. A statement like this can be construed in so many ways. Even with the best intentions. …Though, we all know those kinds of personalities. The ones that will totally use it in a passive-aggressive way of them not getting what they feel is right.
This “they would” statement does not hold space for “if they could”. “If they could they would” might be more like it because “want” doesn’t equal “can”. This tiny switch gives more love and understanding. Less pointing the blame.
So my thoughts are, let’s give some grace to others and be kinder to ourselves than this. Know you are more valued than this statement will lead you to believe. Time to drop the “If They Wanted To, They Would” and remember everyone is just trying their best these days.
But I’m interested, what do you think? Did this viral quote ever strike a chord with you? Let me know in the comments below.
Edwards Zola
Don’t agree with your dissection of “If they wanted to they would”.
There is rarely, if ever, a statement that can cover all circumstances so common sense, which is lacking greatly in today’s world, MUST be the guiding factor. I am sure there are people who don’t take the time to think about someone’s financial situation, and then get peeved because they keep turning down a dinner date. I’m sure there are selfish enough people to not take into consideration a persons disability that would stop them from doing something that They really wanted to do.
Everyone I know takes this meme for exactly what it was meant to mean. When you’re trying to have a relationship with someone and you keep getting excuses, you better reevaluate whether that person even wants a relationship. The truth is, if they really wanted a relationship they would return the interest, return a call or an invite. For the nitpicky, self-absorbed person that can’t think through the common sense of someone else’s disability or financial pressures etc. etc. they can just stay in their nitpicky world because in reality they are the ones who were self-absorbed and more than likely will never be a good friend to anyone.
This is just an opinion from the generation of common sense thinkers. The generation that did not need to be told when they were 10 years old, not to jump off of a house because it could be detrimental to their health or not to take a prescription drug if they are allergic to it. Geez!!