Today’s talk is probably the most straightforward one we could ever have. Like, what is a “deadname?” and why is it important to understand. Also, how to change a behavior surrounding it.

This one isn’t so much directed at those in the LGBTQ+ Community needing assistance with changing their name, but more like help with those on the outside, learning. How to support that person transitioning in your life. How to be a better ally or advocate.

So, let’s dive right in!

“Deadname” verbverb: deadname

1. call (a transgender person) by their birth name when they have changed their name as part of their gender transition. “he was addressed with the wrong pronouns and dead-named” – Definitions from Oxford Languages

Important Lesson Time –

Now, that defining is out of the way, the real meat of the lesson. If someone is/has transitioned and tells you their new/current name, respect it. Use it! Go by it!…even when that person is not around. “Deadname” is literally called “dead” for a reason. Get in the habit of accepting and transitioning to the name as soon as possible. Early adoption of it, will help your brain and help that person in your life transitioning.

This isn’t a “preferred name” “preferred pronoun” this is their name, this is their pronoun. Respect it. Thinking “preference” shows bias and is extremely problematic.

At the root of all this, all that should matter to you is understanding they aren’t identifying with their at-birth assignment.

To be that ally, that advocate, this is a basic level of respect and a big must. No ifs, ands, or buts. You cannot be considered either if you can’t respect a person’s identity.

You may be asking, well “What if this person’s name isn’t legally that?” And my answer is, legality doesn’t matter. That process takes time and money. Not everyone has the time nor the extra funds to get that handled. Though I have seen more and more great programs offering lessons and assistance in such things. Just remember every state has its own hoops to jump through.

I think a good tip for those in another generation that may be having a hard time wrapping their mind around this is to think nicknames. If you have used nicknames and haven’t had a problem you shouldn’t with this. I’ve known plenty in older generations that have come to only be known as their “nickname” and pretty much near never speak their at birth name. Think along those lines.

Another question, that we (my child and I) even ran into was people not willing to even willing to try the new name, “…because what if it switched?” Easy answer, “WHAT IF??” Did it cost you anything? Did it hurt anything for you to give their new name a try? A lot of people in transition are trying to find the right name for their true identity and it isn’t always easy, sometimes people like hearing it tested out first. So maybe instead of resisting, try it! Feel privileged to be included in that learning, testing process.

My child has currently transitioned names back to the gender-neutral birthname. We still use the tested name from time to time, like a nickname or sometimes even like a formal name, it’s kind of funny because I can at times even get their attention faster with it.

Deadnames bring a lot of emotional damage, so purposely using them is extremely damaging.

Please, don’t be the cause of someone’s emotional pain. Don’t inflict that kind of mental abuse. Understand, that deadname is dead and move on. I hope this really makes sense to you because really this couldn’t be more important.

The big takeaway I’m hoping you are getting is, adopt the new name fast and early! Use it often. Practice it. Practice just like pronouns, the more you practice the easier it is. Slip-ups happen! It’s fine, we’re all human. But, do everyone a favor if you make the mistake don’t make a big apologetic scene or an excuse. Just fix it and move on.

If you or your family need help, PLEASE reach out to Trans Family Support Services! I can’t say enough good things about them.